Sunday, August 19, 2007

'We loved.'

I became a darn good Alzheimer’s care-giver when I stopped whining. When I stopped feeling sorry for myself. When I finally understood that I loved dear Jeanne unconditionally. Then the care-giving task became easy. No longer work. It was pure pleasure.

That’s why I encourage care-givers to stop whining. Not to bash them, but to get across the message that everything becomes easier when one ceases the whining and the feeling sorry for one’s self. And, of course, it helps immensely if the care-giving becomes an act of love.

I’m really showing empathy for care-givers when I talk like this. I’m doing them a favor. I’m revealing the secret of success. How to cope with dreaded Alzheimer’s. It’s in the attitude. Positive thinking. One must learn to love and get one’s sustenance from an act of unconditional love.

Yes, one is to love one’s spouse. No matter what. Unconditionally. Despite Alzheimer’s.

That’s a pretty difficult assignment. Imagine. No more whining. No more feeling sorry for one’s self. And yes, unconditional love. The total package. Some folks don’t believe in any of this. Some purport that all love is conditional.

But I know better. I know there’s unconditional love because I’m living it. Feeling it. My love for Jeanne is total. Unconditional. Forever. When I die, my ashes will be mixed with Jeanne’s. Buried in the old Pioneer Cemetery in rural Forest Lake. Our names on the tombstone. The years we lived. And two simple words that say it all, ‘We loved.’ –Jim Broede
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4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Jim that is a lovely thought of your ashes mixed together. Very nice for you.

The main purpose of a "support" group is to show support, to all. With dementia Its a funny thing. Not all have all the outlined stages, not all go thru ever emotions. No one will have the same plaques and tangles as the next. Some will have psychotic delusions and hallucinations, others won't. Some will always be pleasant others will have moments. Its a hard job taking care of one with dementia. With over 5 million Americans now having Alzheimer's disease, and quickly growing in numbers. Adding the age of those becoming effected lowering also. Your Jeanne may or may not of had Alzhimers, only one way of knowing, My loved one may or may not she may have any number of dementia's. My mother was also lashing out, hitting, kicking, swearing. We haven't changed anything other than a medication adjustment. She is happy, yet still showing more and more signs of decline. She is still home with us. It is human nature for one to be sad, happy, tired, full of energy. If you say its not then thats your issue. Caregiving is never easy, even when your loved one is put in a home. Stop and think for a minute, a nursing home. The aides are normally not well trained, working long hours, for min pay. They have many patients, all that require many differnt things, bathroom, change of clothing or diapers, water, someone to talk to, chased after as they try to leave. Many areas the area has no quality nursing homes. Many younger wife/husband caring for loved one can't afford to place the loved one. Out of "love" they are the caregiver, it basically has been proven it turns one's life around. Your way is one way but not the only way. Does a little self pity, whine, or sorrow for oneself, show "unconditional love" I believe not. Maybe you can show me proof of that. Valid proof, not your word. Jim support groups are to show compasion and as stated before there is not one way of being a good caregiver. If that was the case there would be no such need for support groups.

August 19, 2007 at 5:50 PM
Broede's Broodings said...

You're right, jstme. There are many ways. We all have to try to find the way that works for us. I like your thoughtful comment. --Jim Broede

August 19, 2007 at 9:18 PM
Anonymous said...

What is an Internet Troll?

An Internet "troll" is a person who delights in sowing discord on the Internet. He (and it is usually he) tries to start arguments and upset people.

Trolls see Internet communications services as convenient venues for their bizarre game. For some reason, they don't "get" that they are hurting real people. To them, other Internet users are not quite human but are a kind of digital abstraction. As a result, they feel no sorrow whatsoever for the pain they inflict. Indeed, the greater the suffering they cause, the greater their 'achievement' (as they see it). At the moment, the relative anonymity of the net allows trolls to flourish.

Trolls are utterly impervious to criticism (constructive or otherwise). You cannot negotiate with them; you cannot cause them to feel shame or compassion; you cannot reason with them. They cannot be made to feel remorse. For some reason, trolls do not feel they are bound by the rules of courtesy or social responsibility.

Why does it Matter?

Some people -- particularly those who have been online for years -- are not upset by trolls and consider them an inevitable hazard of using the net. As the saying goes, "You can't have a picnic without ants."

It would be nice if everybody was so easy-going, but the sad fact is that trolls do discourage people. Established posters may leave a message board because of the arguments that trolls ignite, and lurkers (people who read but do not post) may decide that they do not want to expose themselves to abuse and thus never get involved.

Another problem is that the negative emotions stirred up by trolls leak over into other discussions. Normally affable people can become bitter after reading an angry interchange between a troll and his victims, and this can poison previously friendly interactions between long-time users.

Finally, trolls create a paranoid environment, such that a casual criticism by a new arrival can elicit a ferocious and inappropriate backlash.

The Internet is a wonderful resource which is breaking down barriers and stripping away prejudice. Trolls threaten our continued enjoyment of this beautiful forum for ideas.


The Webmaster's Challenge

When trolls are ignored they step up their attacks, desperately seeking the attention they crave. Their messages become more and more foul, and they post ever more of them. Alternatively, they may protest that their right to free speech is being curtailed -- more on this later.

The moderator of a message board may not be able to delete a troll's messages right away, but their job is made much harder if they also have to read numerous replies to trolls. They are also forced to decide whether or not to delete posts from well-meaning folks which have the unintended effect of encouraging the troll.

Some webmasters have to endure conscientious users telling them that they are "acting like dictators" and should never delete a single message. These people may be misinformed: they may have arrived at their opinion about a troll based on the messages they see, never realizing that the webmaster has already deleted his most horrific material. Please remember that a troll does have an alternative if he has something of value to say: there are services on the net that provide messaging systems free of charge. So the troll can set up his own message board, where he can make his own decisions about the kind of content he will tolerate.

Just how much can we expect of a webmaster when it comes to preserving the principles of free speech? Some trolls find sport in determining what the breaking point is for a particular message board operator. They might post a dozen messages, each of which contains 400 lines of the letter "J". That is a form of expression, to be sure, but would you consider it your duty to play host to such a person?

Perhaps the most difficult challenge for a webmaster is deciding whether to take steps against a troll that a few people find entertaining. Some trolls do have a creative spark and have chosen to squander it on being disruptive. There is a certain perverse pleasure in watching some of them. Ultimately, though, the webmaster has to decide if the troll actually cares about putting on a good show for the regular participants, or is simply playing to an audience of one -- himself.

What about Free Speech?

When trolls find that their efforts are being successfully resisted, they often complain that their right to free speech is being infringed. Let us examine that claim.

While most people on the Internet are ardent defenders of free speech, it is not an absolute right; there are practical limitations. For example, you may not scream out "Fire!" in a crowded theatre, and you may not make jokes about bombs while waiting to board an airplane. We accept these limitations because we recognize that they serve a greater good.

Another useful example is the control of the radio frequency spectrum. You might wish to set up a powerful radio station to broadcast your ideas, but you cannot do so without applying for a license. Again, this is a practical limitation: if everybody broadcasted without restriction, the repercussions would be annoying at best and life-threatening at worst.

The radio example is helpful for another reason: with countless people having a legitimate need to use radio communications, it is important to ensure that nobody is 'monopolizing the channel'. There are only so many clear channels available in each frequency band and these must be shared.

When a troll attacks a message board, he generally posts a lot of messages. Even if his messages are not particularly inflammatory, they can be so numerous that they drown out the regular conversations (this is known as 'flooding'). Needless to say, no one person's opinions can be allowed to monopolize a channel.

The ultimate response to the 'free speech' argument is this: while we may have the right to say more or less whatever we want, we do not have the right to say it wherever we want. You may feel strongly about the fact that your neighbor has not mowed his lawn for two months, but you do not have the right to berate him in his own living room. Similarly, if a webmaster tells a troll that he is not welcome, the troll has no "right" to remain. This is particularly true on the numerous free communications services offered on the net. (On pay systems, the troll might be justified in asking for a refund.)

Conclusion

Next time you are on a message board and you see a post by somebody whom you think is a troll, and you feel you must reply, simply write a follow-up message entitled "Troll Alert" and type only this:

The only way to deal with trolls is to limit your reaction to reminding others not to respond to trolls.

By posting such a message, you let the troll know that you know what he is, and that you are not going to get dragged into his twisted little hobby.

Ann Alias

August 20, 2007 at 3:59 PM
Anonymous said...

I just want to set the record straight. I am in NO way agreeing with Jim Broede. I simply wanted to express to him that not all caregivers are in his position. I was simply trying to get him to see that what worked for him in no way can work for everyone. Caregiving for a loved one with dementia is most likely the hardest job one will ever have to take on.
I am deeply saddened on how Jim continues to try and hurt those people from the Alz site. He will claim he is doing no such thing but those of us looking on know differently. (minus a few)
Good luck Jim, God bless you. Your love for Jeanne was remarkable, its a shame you feel the need to hurt others. I also see the very next post from you states .........


I've gotta give a woman named Bonnie (a regular on the Alzheimer's message board) credit for not coming to my blog. By ignoring it up to this point. That's a wise decision. That's how one becomes a recovering Broedeaholic. One leaves the booze -- er, I mean Broede alone. You don't come back to him. You ignore him. If a handful of guttersnipes in the comments section of this blog could do that, they'd have happier lives. They'd then qualify as recovering Broedeaholics. Anyway, that's why Bonnie isn't upset with me any more. She hasn't seen the blog. She's ignored it. And that's good for Bonnie. She's setting a good example for the Broede addicted guttersnipes. Now, they should learn from Bonnie. Bonnie is in a better state of mind because of it. Meanwhile, Bonnie probably will have to take some abuse from some for initially encouraging me to create the blog. I can always say that the devil -- no, I mean nice Bonnie -- made me do it. --Jim Broede

Thats my clue

August 22, 2007 at 8:53 AM

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