...to deal with it in her own way.

This posting on the Alzheimer’s message boards, titled “Help, my daughter is afraid,” caught my attention:

“My father moved into a nursing home near us 6 weeks ago…I am glad to have him so much closer. My problem is my 15-year-old daughter. She is afraid to go see him, says she doesn't want to remember grandpa that way, and that old people frighten her. This surprises me because she grew up going to visit my grandma in a nursing home, and always enjoyed those visits. At the end, grandma would know my daughter, but not me. By the way, she lived to be 106!!!! Grandma has been gone six years, so my daughter was 11 when she died, and we had been at the nursing home about one week before she died, and we couldn't wake her up. When we left she said that we were nearing the end with grandma!! She is a very bright child. I will not force her to go see grandpa, but I am worried that she will regret it later, for not having spent time with him, while he still might know who she is.”

Here’s what I told the poster, which I presume is the girl’s mother:

I think I can understand your daughter's state of mind. She's trying to be happy. Upbeat. Optimistic. At her age, she's vibrant. And if she's exposed to sadness and emotional discomfort, that goes against her grain. I used to avoid visits to nursing homes. And I used to avoid funerals. Of course, I've changed since then. I learned how to handle such things. I learned to accept old age and death. But for some of us, that takes a while. So we avoid facing up to it. We try to block it out. Especially in our younger years. Your daughter probably has sad memories from when she was 11 years old and visited in a nursing home. And so she doesn't want to add to it. You might talk to her about it in this way. To really understand what's going on in her mind. Try to be kind and understanding. And encourage your daughter to deal with it in her own way. --Jim Broede