"I need some guidance," Jersey Girl writes on the Alzheimer's message boards. "My mother was diagnosed when she was 65. Now it is going on three years and I feel so tired. I feel like I am the only one who is concerned about her care. My brother who lives in California is clueless, and my father is in complete denial. What makes it difficult is that I never had a 'healthy' relationship with my mom, which is causing me stress, because she can be so cruel verbally. Every weekend I go up there with my two small children so she can spend some time with her grandchildren. But sometimes I just want to stay home and rest, but I feel obligated to spend time with my mother despite the treatment that I receive...I just need to know how can I forgive my mom and just move on?"
The way I look at it, Jersey Girl, is that it's never too late to build a healthy relationship with anyone. That is, as long as you are alive. You could even build a healthy relationship with mom after she dies. By communing with her spirit. By finding the ability and desire to forgive. Maybe you will reach that point some day. It's entirely your choice. You can choose to forgive any time you want. If you want to forgive, you will forgive. If you don't want to forgive, you won't. My guess, though, is that you will feel immensely better if you forgive. Forgiveness is its own reward. It could be the most pleasureable and most meaningful experience of your life. An expression of pure love. --Jim Broede
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The whole world is populated by people that did not have a 'healthy relationship' with one or both of their parents. Jersey girl may never be able to forgive her mother. Forgiveness might not even be necessary for her to move on.
In my opinion...Accepting that the situation existed and doing to best to make sure that she does not fall into her mother's patterns with her own children is. Posting her thoughts was a good starting step. Reading the replies and reaching the conclusion that spending each weekend with Mom and Dad is not a requirement was another excellent step.
Another thing that I would suggest is getting a blank notebook or journal and slowly over a period of time listing each and every occurrence that bothered her in it. When she can think of nothing more to add...Go back...and...Just as slowly and deliberately take a page or 2 out and tear it up in tiny pieces and either burn it or let the wind carry it away.
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