Friday, February 1, 2008
If given the choice, I'd choose to live forever.
I'm thinking today. Sort of out loud. About how one climbs out of depression. I don't know if I've ever been in total, complete depression. Oh, I've been sad. Unhappy. Even in despair. But I don't know if I'd call it depression. When I didn't even want to get out of bed. When I didn't want to face the day. Oh, maybe the night Jeanne died. I screamed and yelled. Maybe I wouldn't have minded dying, too. I felt lost. Alone. I don't know. Is that grief? Or depression. Is depression something like grief? Grief that never lets up? That lasts for days and weeks and months? I think my mother has been in depression. My sister, too. I wonder if my dad experienced depression? I guess I don't want to be depressed. Maybe that's why I think about giving my bouts of sadness other names. Like sadness. Like feeling glum. But I don't know if I've ever felt hopeless. Totally hopeless. As if I didn't want to live any more. Maybe for a few minutes after Jeanne died. Maybe I had this feeling that I wanted to go with her. I sobbed. Uncontrollably. I didn't want to let go. I wanted Jeanne to stay with me. If only for a few more minutes. I felt empty. As if I had lost my heart and soul. Like the bottom had just dropped out of my life. But I've always rallied. Throughout my life. I've always found ways to become happy again. To remind myself that I'm in love with life. Despite the pitfalls. Despite the setbacks. And that really, if given the choice, I'd choose to live forever. --Jim Broede
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11 comments:
Depression is a serious illness. Its more than just feeling blue, or down in the dumps for a few days. Its feeling down, blue, hopeless for weeks at a time. A Persistent sad, anxious or empty mood. Feelings of hopelessness, pressimism. Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness. A lose of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed. Its Fatigue, and decreased energy. Difficulty concentrating, making decisions. Over eating or loss of appetite. Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts. Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, digestive problems that do not ease with treatments.
Depression is NOT something you can just "snap out of". Its thought to be an imbalance of brain chemicals, along with other factors. Like any serious medical condition depression needs to be treated. One can not just have "good vibes" to rid of depression. One shouldn't critize those with depression, its real, its and illness. Again not something just made up.
I am certainly not a medical expert...but...I do have bouts of what I call depression. My feeling is that that the word depression is used to describe what appears to me to be different conditions.
One is chronically feeling down for no special reason...or...a minor one (perceived inadequacies or something like there not being the right number of clouds in the sky).
The other is chronically feeling down for real or obvious reasons (for example: the life threatening illness of oneself, one’s spouse, or a loved one).
In my opinion the first may be the result of a chemical imbalance that could be corrected by medication...but...The second may or may not result in a chemical imbalance. In the second case a bit of what ‘anonymous’ described as “good vibes therapy” and a heck of a lot of effort by the sufferer just may do the trick.
The second case requires that the individual know themselves and their limitations as well as have a support group made of family and/or friends that will provide the ‘good vibes’ a willing ear and a whole lot of encouragement. I definitely fall in the second group...I’ve decided to steer clear of medications and to rely on the resilience of the human brain and spirit.
Well, you have one thing right, you are no medical expert.
"what I call depression"? Honey, you have no idea what depression is. And, no, you are not depressed. Depression, no matter the cause, is as "anonymous" describes. It affects your life, so that you cannot function in your normal capacity. That "normal capacity" differs from person to person.
Someone who is "feeling down" because of "there not being the right number of clouds in the sky" is another illness altogether!
Dear Anonymous:
I think I do have some idea of depression. And what it really is. Maybe that's why I think I've never been depressed. Clinically depressed, that is. Any malady I've had comes up short of depression. But I think I can imagine what it would feel like. Something horrid. Like one is trapped in a place, and can't find a way out. Maybe almost like being buried alive. I hope I never feel that way. I'd rather just imagine it. And not have to go there. I don't want to have to live in depression. That is one experience I can live without. --Jim Broede
Anonymous of February 3, 2008 9:23 AM--Since you don't sound any more like a 'medical expert' than I did...I've figure that you either have or are suffering from depression or know someone that is. For that reason I'm going to cut you some slack and not be quite as sarcastic or caustic as I normally would.
Dearie--You don't know squat about me...and...Don't have the slightest idea of my 'normal capacity'.
Tell you what...If you live near Charlotte, NC...Why don't you come to my next doctor's appointment and tell my doctor that she is full of shit? That would give me a very good reason to once again not accept a prescription for the anti-depressant medication that she has been attempting to get me to take for ages.
How very sad Mr Broede. I came to this site as a friend told us it was a wonderful blog. I have even seen this skericheri has posted on my friends site. Neither of you have one clue as to what depression is, what it is like to be effected with depression. I will no longer be reading this blog any longer. The snide remarks to me are uncalled for. I do thank you for posting them I now understand. I too only want to associate with people that are truly only good for my mental health. Your blog only sends those down the wrong path.
I will remain anonymous for MY good mental health. Thank you again for showing me the direction I need to go
"Broede", I was not addressing you in regards to not knowing depression, even though it is clear that you have no idea. You cannot "imagine" what it is like.
I was addressing "skericheri". When one claims that they have "bouts of what I call depression", I would certainly doubt the validity of the illness. However, now the story changes, and there appears to have been an official diagnosis? We were led to believe the writings were all theories and "feelings". If one is under a physician's care for depression, and the physician has been trying "for ages" to get you to try medication, perhaps you should try it. There is a chance it may tame your normally "sarcastic or caustic" side.
As for the "normal capacity" remark, I was in no way inferring to know your capacity, only making a generalization. Some people can function quite highly while battling depression, while others cannot, and need constant intervention. FYI, depression can run in families, also.
I did not intend to anger you so. Depression is a very serious condition, physically and mentally, and should not be treated as lightly as "Broede" seems to be doing, and as your initial impression seemed. No need to cut me slack, however, I see no need for the nastiness.
A Fellow Traveller
I'd like to see fellow Traveler and Skericheri make peace with each other. Right here in this blog. And then this blog would gain a reputation as a place where people can come together to make peace. Which really, is a form of love. And it sure beats making war. --Jim Broede
Your blog can not produce peace. Anyone that lets their guard down around this blog will get ripped apart at some point in time. As your recent post that you sometimes cried. Well golly gee that is exactly what some people do on the Alz site. You jump them telling they how wrong they are for doing a little venting. Most people that know you and your friends have left that site and this blog. I find it now interesting that you found others from a ms site. I have read a few of the posts on that blog. Many dealt with depression. Now you are starting to slam them in your twisted way. Many depressed people are very much in love. I seen alot of loving and caring people in the other blog. I also found your "tonic" for depression a crazy. Hopefully more people will see you for what you are now with these postings. You are always setting out the carrot, ready to reel them in, for your enjoyment. Some already have seen thru you and I am positive there are more to come.
I also will remain anonymous for "my" own good.
And btw skericheri I see no reason for anyone to apologize to you.
I’m not slamming anyone, dear anonymous. But seems you are slamming me. I tell people what’s on my mind. Take it or leave it. And you’re telling me what’s on your mind. I don’t buy what you are saying. And I guess you don’t buy all of what I’m saying. So be it. I readily acknowledge that I could be wrong about lots of things. That’s why I don’t require people to do as I do.
I write this blog. And simply reflect what’s on my mind. You might say I’m brooding. That’s why I call my blog Broede’s Broodings. I’m trying to redefine brooding. My dictionary defines brooding as a gloomy pondering. Well, for the most part, I’ve decided to focus on happy broodings.
skericheri said...
Fellow Traveler--- Tell you what...If you apologize for condescendingly calling me ‘honey’, I’ll apologize for a certain amount of my snideness.
Truth of the matter is that I did not like your tone any more than you liked mine. My story did not change...just the words that were used. I use skericheri for the bulk of my internet activities. Just posting that I "suffer from bouts of depression" took courage. Because I am one of those people who “can function quite highly while battling depression”, I’ve been going through a period of not accepting that the term applies to me. Your tone which seemed both belittling and cavalier (while it may not have been intentional) was not welcomed.
(edited by Jim Broede 2/05/08)
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