I'm gonna give dad the benefit of any doubt.

My dad’s suicide. I like talking about it. Makes me feel good. But when it happened almost 60 years ago, it was hush-hush. The family pretended for a while that it didn’t happen. The local newspaper just reported that dad was found dead. Dead all right. Found hanging in the basement. He even left a suicide note. A neighbor fetched the missive and burned it. Because suicide was deemed shameful. A sin. Dad wasn’t supposed to be buried in a Catholic cemetery. Because he committed an unpardonable sin. He took his own life. Only god is supposed to do that. So, as a youngster, I was being taught to look at dad as a bad man, not even worthy of being buried in sacred ground. Yes, the family was supposed to live in disgrace for the “sin” of our father. Well, that’s bull crap. Dad merely made his own independent decision. He didn’t want to live any more. He wanted to cash in his chips, at age 38. Oh, yes, I’d have wished that he had chosen to live another 50 years, 'til 88, like mom did. But I don’t begrudge dad for his decision. He was unhappy. An habitual gambler. Presiding over a somewhat dysfunctional family. And in a marriage that wasn’t working. Certainly, these are problems that can be overcome. But apparently dad was feeling hopeless. I wish the neighbor had saved the suicide note. I’d love to read it. For clues. But I don’t have to see the note to tell dad that I respect him, and his decision, and that he’s one of my heroes for refusing to live unhappily. Meanwhile, I’m a product of my dad. I have some of his genes. And I want happiness, too. But unlike dad, I’ve found it. Because I’ve always insisted on it. I have resolve. Determination. Maybe if dad had become a writer and a romantic idealist and a free-thinker and a liberal and a lover, he would never have put the rope around his neck. And embraced life instead. But I’m not ashamed of dad for what he did. It wasn't a sin. Instead, he made a choice. To leave this Earthly world. And who knows? Maybe in pursuit of happiness. In paradise. In a spirit world. I’m gonna give dad the benefit of any doubt. –Jim Broede