Friday, August 17, 2007
Seems rather absurd to me.
I’m fascinated by this whole notion of hate. Why do people hate? Nazis hate the Jews. Some whites hate blacks. The Ladies Aid Society from the Alzheimer's message boards hates Jim Broede. I guess we’re hated because we’re different. And we alienate people. Rightly or wrongly. And we’re stereotyped. We’re blamed for causing the world’s problems. We’re blamed for society’s ills. For lack of empathy. For being inconsiderate. And lazy. And evil. We’re hated for not following society’s norms. For not fitting in. For being different. And difficult. Which apparently makes us inferior. We’re all supposed to blend into the majority. Be like the majority. And if we go along with the majority – well, then we’re all right. We’re accepted. So many, many people hate those who aren’t like themselves. Makes them leery. Fearful. I think I pose a threat. I question people’s beliefs. I’m not a Christian. I’m a free-thinker. And I’m happy as a romantic idealist. And a liberal. And a lover. And I’m opinionated. I speak my mind. My piece. Oh, so many reasons to be disliked. Even hated. Right here in the comments section of broede’s broodings, people have outrightly declared that they hate me. Yes, I’m fascinated by it all. I’m trying to understand why I’m hated. Seems rather absurd to me. --Jim Broede
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Narcissists are Never Happy
Narcissists are never happy.
They are euphoric, elated, or manic - but never happy.
Happiness is an amalgam of positive emotions.
Narcissists have very few positive emotions.
2. The Off-Handed Narcissist
Narcissists damage and hurt but they do so off-handedly, absent-mindedly, and naturally.
They are aware of what they do to others - but they do not care.
Sometimes, they sadistically taunt and torment people - but they do not perceive this to be evil - merely amusing.
They feel that they are entitled to their pleasure and gratification (narcissistic supply is often obtained by subjugating and subsuming others).
They feel that others are less than human, mere extensions of the narcissist, or instruments to fulfil the narcissist's wishes and obey his often capricious commends.
After all, no evil can be done to machines, instruments, or extensions.
3. Being Embarrassed
One can embarrass only those who collaborate in their own embarrassment.
I am not embarrassed by anything I am - and everything I did is what I became.
I am what I did. How can I be embarrassed by my very being? Isn't this what narcissism is all about - a sense of shame, worthlessness, and embarrassment so overpowering that one stops being just in order not to feel ashamed?
4. Narcissists ARE Appearances
Narcissists ARE appearances. They derive their sense of self from the acceptance of their appearances and pretensions by others. Thus, first they settle on an appearance which best sustains their grandiosity and inflated sense of (false) self. Then they insist that others collaborate with them by pretending that the appearance were real. They react with rage and indignation in the face of "lack of collaboration" and "resistance". This is because their very cohesion and sense of self is threatened if there is no agreement regarding the appearance they choose. The appearance can be: "I am a great father and husband. Even my estranged ex-wife, her parents and my son think so. They continue to think so even following a painful divorce. Nothing - not even my awful behaviour - seems to change their minds about my perfection as a father and a mate. This proves that I do exist and that I AM a wonderful, unprecedented father and partner." Puncture this pretension of his in a determined way - and he will vanish forever from your life.
Is there a "typical" relationship between the narcissist and his family?
Answer:
We are all members of a few families in our lifetime: the one that we are born to and the one(s) that we create. We all transfer hurts, attitudes, fears, hopes and desires – a whole emotional baggage – from the former to the latter. The narcissist is no exception.
The narcissist has a dichotomous view of humanity: humans are either Sources of Narcissistic Supply (and, then, idealised and over-valued) or do not fulfil this function (and, therefore, are valueless, devalued). The narcissist gets all the love that he needs from himself. From the outside he needs approval, affirmation, admiration, adoration, attention – in other words, externalised Ego boundary functions.
He does not require – nor does he seek – his parents' or his siblings' love, or to be loved by his children. He casts them as the audience in the theatre of his inflated grandiosity. He wishes to impress them, shock them, threaten them, infuse them with awe, inspire them, attract their attention, subjugate them, or manipulate them.
He emulates and simulates an entire range of emotions and employs every means to achieve these effects. He lies (narcissists are pathological liars – their very self is a false one). He acts the pitiful, or, its opposite, the resilient and reliable. He stuns and shines with outstanding intellectual, or physical capacities and achievements, or behavior patterns appreciated by the members of the family. When confronted with (younger) siblings or with his own children, the narcissist is likely to go through three phases:
At first, he perceives his offspring or siblings as a threat to his Narcissistic Supply, such as the attention of his spouse, or mother, as the case may be. They intrude on his turf and invade the Pathological Narcissistic Space. The narcissist does his best to belittle them, hurt (even physically) and humiliate them and then, when these reactions prove ineffective or counter productive, he retreats into an imaginary world of omnipotence. A period of emotional absence and detachment ensues.
His aggression having failed to elicit Narcissistic Supply, the narcissist proceeds to indulge himself in daydreaming, delusions of grandeur, planning of future coups, nostalgia and hurt (the Lost Paradise Syndrome). The narcissist reacts this way to the birth of his children or to the introduction of new foci of attention to the family cell (even to a new pet!).
Whoever the narcissist perceives to be in competition for scarce Narcissistic Supply is relegated to the role of the enemy. Where the uninhibited expression of the aggression and hostility aroused by this predicament is illegitimate or impossible – the narcissist prefers to stay away. Rather than attack his offspring or siblings, he sometimes immediately disconnects, detaches himself emotionally, becomes cold and uninterested, or directs transformed anger at his mate or at his parents (the more "legitimate" targets).
Other narcissists see the opportunity in the "mishap". They seek to manipulate their parents (or their mate) by "taking over" the newcomer. Such narcissists monopolise their siblings or their newborn children. This way, indirectly, they benefit from the attention directed at the infants. The sibling or offspring become vicarious sources of Narcissistic Supply and proxies for the narcissist.
An example: by being closely identified with his offspring, a narcissistic father secures the grateful admiration of the mother ("What an outstanding father/brother he is"). He also assumes part of or all the credit for baby's/sibling's achievements. This is a process of annexation and assimilation of the other, a strategy that the narcissist makes use of in most of his relationships.
As siblings or progeny grow older, the narcissist begins to see their potential to be edifying, reliable and satisfactory Sources of Narcissistic Supply. His attitude, then, is completely transformed. The former threats have now become promising potentials. He cultivates those whom he trusts to be the most rewarding. He encourages them to idolise him, to adore him, to be awed by him, to admire his deeds and capabilities, to learn to blindly trust and obey him, in short to surrender to his charisma and to become submerged in his follies-de-grandeur.
It is at this stage that the risk of child abuse - up to and including outright incest - is heightened. The narcissist is auto-erotic. He is the preferred object of his own sexual attraction. His siblings and his children share his genetic material. Molesting or having intercourse with them is as close as the narcissist gets to having sex with himself.
Moreover, the narcissist perceives sex in terms of annexation. The partner is "assimilated" and becomes an extension of the narcissist, a fully controlled and manipulated object. Sex, to the narcissist, is the ultimate act of depersonalization and objectification of the other. He actually masturbates with other people's bodies.
Minors pose little danger of criticizing the narcissist or confronting him. They are perfect, malleable and abundant sources of Narcissistic Supply. The narcissist derives gratification from having coital relations with adulating, physically and mentally inferior, inexperienced and dependent "bodies".
These roles – allocated to them explicitly and demandingly or implicitly and perniciously by the narcissist – are best fulfilled by ones whose mind is not yet fully formed and independent. The older the siblings or offspring, the more they become critical, even judgemental, of the narcissist. They are better able to put into context and perspective his actions, to question his motives, to anticipate his moves.
As they mature, they often refuse to continue to play the mindless pawns in his chess game. They hold grudges against him for what he has done to them in the past, when they were less capable of resistance. They can gauge his true stature, talents and achievements – which, usually, lag far behind the claims that he makes.
This brings the narcissist a full cycle back to the first phase. Again, he perceives his siblings or sons/daughters as threats. He quickly becomes disillusioned and devaluing. He loses all interest, becomes emotionally remote, absent and cold, rejects any effort to communicate with him, citing life pressures and the preciousness and scarceness of his time.
He feels burdened, cornered, besieged, suffocated, and claustrophobic. He wants to get away, to abandon his commitments to people who have become totally useless (or even damaging) to him. He does not understand why he has to support them, or to suffer their company and he believes himself to have been deliberately and ruthlessly trapped.
He rebels either passively-aggressively (by refusing to act or by intentionally sabotaging the relationships) or actively (by being overly critical, aggressive, unpleasant, verbally and psychologically abusive and so on). Slowly – to justify his acts to himself – he gets immersed in conspiracy theories with clear paranoid hues.
To his mind, the members of the family conspire against him, seek to belittle or humiliate or subordinate him, do not understand him, or stymie his growth. The narcissist usually finally gets what he wants and the family that he has created disintegrates to his great sorrow (due to the loss of the Narcissistic Space) – but also to his great relief and surprise (how could they have let go someone as unique as he?).
This is the cycle: the narcissist feels threatened by arrival of new family members – he tries to assimilate or annex of siblings or offspring – he obtains Narcissistic Supply from them – he overvalues and idealizes these newfound sources – as sources grow older and independent, they adopt anti narcissistic behaviours – the narcissist devalues them – the narcissist feels stifled and trapped – the narcissist becomes paranoid – the narcissist rebels and the family disintegrates.
This cycle characterises not only the family life of the narcissist. It is to be found in other realms of his life (his career, for instance). At work, the narcissist, initially, feels threatened (no one knows him, he is a nobody). Then, he develops a circle of admirers, cronies and friends which he "nurtures and cultivates" in order to obtain Narcissistic Supply from them. He overvalues them (to him, they are the brightest, the most loyal, with the biggest chances to climb the corporate ladder and other superlatives).
But following some anti-narcissistic behaviours on their part (a critical remark, a disagreement, a refusal, however polite) – the narcissist devalues all these previously idealized individuals. Now that they have dared oppose him - they are judged by him to be stupid, cowardly, lacking in ambition, skills and talents, common (the worst expletive in the narcissist's vocabulary), with an unspectacular career ahead of them.
The narcissist feels that he is misallocating his scarce and invaluable resources (for instance, his time). He feels besieged and suffocated. He rebels and erupts in a serious of self-defeating and self-destructive behaviours, which lead to the disintegration of his life.
Doomed to build and ruin, attach and detach, appreciate and depreciate, the narcissist is predictable in his "death wish". What sets him apart from other suicidal types is that his wish is granted to him in small, tormenting doses throughout his anguished life.
Hello, boys and girls. This is your old pal, Stinky Wizzleteats. This is a song about a whale. No! This is a song about being happy! That's right! It's the
Happy Happy Joy Joy song!
Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Joy!
I don't think you're happy enough! That's right! I'll teach you to be happy! I'll teach your grandmother to suck eggs! Now, boys and girls, let's try it again!
Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Joy!
If'n you aint the grandaddy of all liars! The little critters of nature... They don't know that they're ugly! That's very funny, a fly marrying a bumblebee! I told you I'd shoot! But you didn't believe me! Why didn't you believe me?!
Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Happy Happy
Happy Happy Happy Happy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Joy!
Dear Anonymous:
I want to thank you for the psychoanalysis. I presume it applies to me. Will you be billing me, or is this for free? --Jim Broede
Dear Anonymous songwriter:
I like your attempt at writing lyrics for a joyful song. But Beethoven did a much better job. In the 9th Symphony. When he set Schiller's Ode to Joy to music. And to think, Beethoven wrote this joyful music when he was virtually stone deaf. Believe me, dear Ludwig was no whiner. He made the best of a bad situation. Imagine that. A deaf composer writing a joyful piece. That Beethoven was my kind of guy. A positive thinker. A joyful person in the worst of times. He set a good example for us. Sort of telling us, don't worry, be happy. Be joyful. --Jim Broede
Jim--If it is possible to post a link on your blog, why don't to replace wordy definitions with one to the original material or at least a reference to the source that they were copied from? Truth of the matter is that the first anonymous said nothing, took a lot of space doing it and did not even mention that the description was not original.
Could that be why she opted to remain anonymous?
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