The woman’s name is DiDi. And she’s a darn good care-giver. She’s been caring for her husband for years. More or less full-time. But DiDi may be reaching a breaking point.
Here’s what she had to say on the Alzheimer’s message board today:
“DH (dear husband) went to bed without me. He never does that, but I think the time change confused him. Today for the first time I had feelings of not being able to do this, not being able to see it through to the end. I have never thought this way before. I trust so fiercely in God, and the knowledge that he is in control, and has a plan; but this is so hard. I fight back tears almost everyday, and feel so much grief. I try so hard to stay upbeat for him, but each day he pulls me down. He is so sad, and angry. It's not that we sit here all day and feel gloomy. I keep him busy daily with things he used to enjoy, but nothing seems to ever be enough. I keep looking for answers, a better way, a solution, but there just doesn't seem to be one. I don't even know where I am going with this post. Maybe I should just go to bed. Tomorrow is another day.”
Well, I couldn’t leave this one alone. I had to comment. Because I feel DiDi’s pain. I went through similar agony, too.
Yes, DiDi, sometimes it gets to be too much. You've held up well to this point. I take it you are pretty much 24/7. But when you go at it year after year, and when your husband declines, it gets harder and harder and harder. Quite possibly you will reach a breaking point. And that's no shame. It happens. You can only do so much. Endure so much. It's quite possible that you'll have to place your husband some day. Soon. I had to do it with Jeanne. Those last 38 months. But I didn't abandon Jeanne. And there's no need for you to abandon your husband. You just need help in caring for him. You can still be with him. Daily. But you need to start getting breaks. Respite. Preferably on a daily basis. Don't wear yourself out to the point that you break down. Sounds to me like you've done an admirable job. Up to this point. Now you may have to consider alternatives. Like placement. Instead of 24 hours a day with husband, maybe you'll have to settle for 8-10 hours. That's still lots of time. Quality time. And it'll be a picnic compared to 24/7. And your husband will be better for it. And so will you. –Jim Broede
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4 comments:
Either you cannot understand, or you just don't care how we feel, that we do not like you taking our posts from the forum, and bringing them here. I don't care if it is legal(which is questionable), it is unethical. And besides that, we have asked you to not do this. Why can't you seem to leave the forum alone?? We do not post there, to give you things to write about in your blog. Are you capable of stopping taking advantage of people of the forum??
Dear Anonymous:
I do care how you feel. But I also hope that you care how I feel. And that’s what I’m telling you in my blog. How I feel. In this thread, I feel like saying something nice about DiDi. And that’s exactly what I’ve done. I’ve praised DiDi. I told DiDi I feel her hurt. I’m trying to comfort her. And I’m telling her I went through a similar agony. I suggest, dear anonymous, that you read what I posted. And look at the goodness of my intent. Rather than assume that I’m taking advantage of someone. Just ain’t so. By the way, I told DiDi essentially the same thing on the Alzheimer’s message boards. I posted here in my blog for people who don’t necessarily read the message boards. No harm in that, right? And did you notice I called DiDi a good care-giver? She's one of the better ones, in my opinion. She sets a good example. --Jim Broede
Doesn't matter, your intent. Wars have been started on intent. My kids use that excuse. You have been asked to not do this, you have been told how we feel about your practice. It has been written, on the message board, that members no longer feel safe posting, because you might copy and paste it here.
It is clearly obvious, that you do not care, as long as it furthers your own interests. Many, many members have walked away from the AA board, and gone elsewhere. Who suffers? The members who remain, and the new members who are denied the experience and compassion of those who have gone.
Dear Anonymous:
You have been told how I think about this practice. And I am right, and you are wrong. Therefore, I will keep doing as I am doing. I'd rather be right than wrong. But your preference is that you'd rather be wrong than right. Yes, that's your right -- the right to be wrong. So be it. --Jim Broede
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