"I have spent today cleaning," Cinmin girl said. "This morning wake up included a soaking wet bed, nasty filled pull ups and a new attitude (more nasty stuff) for mom. You would think that I wet her bed the way she acts when this happens! She’s always surprised when there is a BM in her pants and always, always, always sticks her hand RIGHT IN the wet Depends when I tell her that we have to change her pants. WHY, please tell my WHY can’t she just believe me when I tell her that they are wet? Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Just indignant when she has to be cleaned up. Like I ENJOY that?? Sheets, blankets, pillow covers and shams (how did she get the shams wet??) into the washer. Her washcloth and towel PLUS any and all hand towels into the suds ...She has to be 'reminded' constantly to wash her hands and unless I put the soap on her, I’m never sure if she’s used soap. ICK! Scrub down the bathrooms and grab those towels to add to the wash pile. Clean up last night dinner’s pots and pans and I hear the dog. Yep, slimy green whatever it was is all over the carpet. Out comes my trusty Bissell Steam Cleaner and presto, the green is gone! I am sitting here (on a self-appointed break) as the assorted washers (and dryer) run, with Clorox permeating every breath, but at least I know it’s clean! Some fun, huh?? I remember someone explaining what they use to clean the urine smell out of clothing and sheets. But I can’t find the thread. Any help appreciated! I’ve been using HOT water, detergent, Clorox and baking soda and this does seem to work. But if there is something that works better, I’m interested in it!! Thanks for letting me rant for a minute!"
I used to rant and rave, too, Cinmin girl. Until I learned to accept the disease for what it is. And I cleaned up the pee and the poop, and didn't get one bit peeved about it. And I marveled at how far I had come. I learned patience. And understanding. And sensitivity. And compassion. And love. At the beginning of the journey, I had much to learn. But after 13 years, I think I learned well -- at least well enough not to rant and rave any more. I'd call that progress. --Jim Broede
25 comments:
Jim,
Cinn's mom is at stage 7 and has been given days before she will pass. I ask that you please show some compassion and remove this blog entry. The original post was written back in September when her mother was very much still mobile.
Snickers63
Snickers:
Frankly, I don't think this thread does any harm. My intention was to get people to think about the effect when they rant and rave. Sure, it's a good release. For the care-giver. But I guess I'm saying that at some point we have to learn to accept the disease for what it is. And quit ranting and quit raving. And get on with the task of care-giving with love. Pure love. Maybe that seems an impossible task. But I don't think so. I think I did Jeanne a dishonor when I ranted and raved. And eventually that dawned on me. Jeanne deserved better. And so does Cinmin's mother. And I don't think it's insensitive to try to persuade Cinmin and other care-givers to think about it. And maybe to start doing less ranting and less raving. Especially before their loved one dies. I don't think that's heartless. I think that's kind. I just hope Jeanne can forgive me for when I ranted and raved. Fortunately, I got my act together before Jeanne died. --Jim Broede
What in the world makes you think that that one little glimpse of life, on the forum, is what the member's entire day is?? For all you know, that girl's care for her Mom has always been loving and caring. She, in no way, insinuated that her frustrations were taken out on her Mother. Her "rant" seemed to last only a few minutes. Thank goodness she could get that out. You didn't even realize that the post was over 2 months old!
WAIT A MINUTE, that can't happen on the boards anymore, can it?? Members can no longer "dump" on the boards. That is because everything and anything runs the risk of appearing in your blog. I'm sure, that only serves your ego.
I believe you are actually oblivious to the truth, even when it is spelled out for you. NO ONE appreciates, likes, approves or gives permission for you to STEAL(it IS stealing)their writing.
You are helping no one, only hurting. You are being very selfish, satisfying your own desires, at the expense of people who are dealing with the finalities of death, with their Loved Ones. From the moment our Loved Ones are diagnosed, we are dealing with the reality of their death.
You really just do not get it, and you never will. You have absolutely NO people-sense. I know you must praise yourself often, because you sure aren't going to hear it from anyone else. You had chances, and choices, and lost them all to your own need for...I don't even know what to call it. I guess narcissism comes very close. Yes, need for self. Whether it be good attention, or bad, doesn't matter, as long as you are at the center of it. Too bad, you could have been a great asset to the board, instead of undermining it.
FYI, your blog CAN be removed, at the discretion of your host. All it takes, is a few well-placed emails, letting them know that the content is not in line with the rules?? They do not even have to give a reason. The wheels are turning. Slow, but turning.
Did you also know, that in the U.S., you own copyright from the moment you create something, unless you have signed a contract otherwise?? It doesn't have to be registered with anyone, or organization.
Dear Anonymous:
Cinmin girl has every right to rant and rave. I'm not depriving her of that right. I just let it be known in my comment that I used to rant and rave and that I don't do it any more. In other words, I'm presenting an option. Take it or leave it. No need to get huffy over that. No need to rant and rave over the fact that I've announced that I don't rant and rave any more. But hey, if you want to rant and rave, go ahead. It's no skin off my butt. And I just happen to think that ranting and raving and getting angry over virtually nothing is kind of stupid. A waste of time. A waste of effort that could be channeled into something more positive and productive. But I'm not laying down the law and saying that's required. Everybody can do as they please. That's what I'm doing here. Merely expressing an opinion. And I'm letting you have your say. I'm giving you the freedom to rant and rave and even threaten me and make a fool of yourself. That makes me a pretty tolerant fella, doesn't it?
Meantime, all I know is that this blog seems to be well-read. We're nearing 15,000 hits. And lots of people tell me they like the blog. They tell me to keep up the good work.
I see that you, dear anonymous, don't hesitate to plug in. Welcome!
And you're just like Cinmin girl. That ain't her real name. It's a pseudonym. Sort of like you. You use the pseudonym "anonymous.' Which, I suppose, gives you a little more courage to spout off. Maybe you don't use your real name because you're ashamed to. By the way, I stand up for what I believe. And I ain't afraid to attach my name to it. My real name. You ought to try it sometime. --Jim Broede
Jim, I must echo the others' comments. You mislead when you state that Cinn posted that rant recently. It is several months old. And your response to her post and then reposting it here could be harmful to Cinn. She's going through a painful time. I'm sure you still remember how you felt when Jeanne was near the end. You were frightened when she was so ill. I felt for you. Can you try to extend some of the same compassion now?
The caregivers' board is supposed to be a place to get support and rant and rave if we need. I've ranted about things I've had to deal with because I CHOSE NOT TO SUBJECT MY MOTHER TO MY STRESS. Coming to the board and venting is similar to screaming into a pillow - but quieter. Look deep inside and see if you can extend a litte compassion to people who are still in the midst of caregiving. If you are honest with yourself I'm sure you will remember that it wasn't all sunshine and lollipops. We are also victims of this disease as we watch it strip away the personalities of our loved ones.
I also ask that you remove this blog entry. Try to show some caring to a woman who is in pain. And of course you don't rant and rave anymore -- your caregiving days are over. And you were in a different situation than many of us. Retired and had all day to spend at the NH. Many of us have other responsibilities.
Finally, as I mentioned in my other comment on another post on this blog, there is nothing wrong with remaining anonymous on the internet. It's a matter of safety and a good choice. And more than that -- it's a choice to remain anonymous or not -- and not your place to judge.
Joanie
Dear Anonymous aka Joanie:
I think you are making much ado over next to nothing. You and virtually everyone else on the Alzheimer's message board are anonymous. At most, you use a pseudonym or only a first name. So, I'd recommend that you not take some of this stuff so personally. If you were indetified by your full name and your location -- well, that would be another thing. But you hide behind anonimity. Which is fine. That protects you. And hey, I'm not attacking Cinmin. I merely explained that I learned not to rant and rave. That was a viable option for me. If Cinmin wants to try it, fine. If not, that's fine, too. And Cinmin doesn't have to come to my blog to read. I'm told that Cinmin even has her own blog, and that she has taken me to task many a time. Possibly in nasty and mean-spirited ways. Which is all right. I have no objection to that. It may be a nice way to vent. Anyway, I've never gone to Cinmin's blog. I know better. I just ignore it. And if Cinmin visits my blog -- well, that's her choice. I'd recommend that she ignore it. I have no idea about Cinmin's real name, or even where she lives. And I expect that readers of my blog are generally just as unaware of Cinmin's identity and location. So, really, this is a hullabaloo over nothing, isn't it? --Jim Broede
Yes, we all see, that to you, it is all nothing, and stupid.YOU JUST DO NOT GET IT. Sometimes, all it takes is to write down a few angry words to help one feel better So what if there is not a "name" attached. We are still entities. We still have feelings. We still have struggles. AND, it used to help, to have a safe place to go, to vent our frustrations, without fear of judgments or recriminations. The AA board is no longer that place. I do not give you full credit; there have been others, but I think THEY finally understood.
Yes, we could all just do as we pleased. We could all call ourselves freethinkers, but WE all know that there ARE other people in the world, and things that we do may affect them in some way, no matter how small. Too bad, you cannot see past yourself to realize it. Too bad, you don't just leave other people alone. Too bad, you don't just hook up with your friends in your cocoon, and leave the compassionate living to the rest of us.
Doesn't matter about the names. They are all labels, anyway. Some people just care about the person. I like to remember people in my life by the circumstances.
Dear Anonymous:
Did you ever think, dear anonymous, that maybe you are the one that doesn't get it? -Jim Broede
As a matter of safety one should NOT use real names or give locations on the internet. Small children are taught that daily. Excatly what is your point of "needing" real names and locations? I would also like to add that sherri and rosie do NOT use real names and locations, yet they too seem to feel the need to bash those of us with a brain and remain Anonymous. It doesn't matter what name we use, some of us are hurting, some of us just need to type a few words to vent. Venting with those that understand what we are going thru. Those on the outside do not understand. One can not understand dementia's unless they have lived it. As stated in another post we do NOT all live the life you did with jeanne. NOT all with dementia's have the same issues. Yet you seem to lump everyone into the same category.
Also congrats on having your blog removed from Az postings
Dear I like...
My point is that as long as nobody uses their real names and hides their true identities, it really shouldn't matter if I lift their quotes and talk about 'em. Nobody really knows who they are anyway. You are all anonymous. So, don't take everything so personally.
And yes, my signature, including my email address and my blog address, have been removed for two weeks. Because I have been suspended for an "inappropriate" comment. Of course, I don't think it was inappropriate. If you want to know who else was suspended -- a flotilla of folks from the Ladies Aid Society -- look and see which ones no longer have signatures. I'll be back in two weeks (less than that now) upon my reinstatement. I accept the suspension with deep humility. And meanwhile, if any of you miss my posts on the Alzheimer's board, come to me, right here on my blog. --Jim Broede
By the way, I have no doubt you will not have the balls to make my post public.
I use my real name and my real email adress. I am not afraid of pathetic old men.
Bonnie- ALWAYS Mama's Friend
Hey, "i like my real name but i do have common sense",
Maybe you've hit the nail right on the head. Maybe the reason he doesn't get it, is that he really IS on the outside.
As for anonymity, isn't it remarkable that we can not know exactly who a person is, yet show such caring and compassion, that it helps them through some of the toughest times of their lives? That we can laugh AND cry together? That we can commiserate AND celebrate together? And, what a wonderful moment, if and when we are able to actually connect, face-to-face! I am proud to be a part of that wonderful group!
You could have been a part of it, Jim, but YOU chose to alienate a few hundred people, and only keep close those who blindly follow.
Dear Mama's Friend aka Bonnie:
The pertinent question to ask yourself, dear Bonnie, is are men afraid of you? Why did you have an unsuccesful marriage? Did a man not find you loveable enough? You certainly don't sound loveable. --Jim Broede
Dear Anonymous:
Have you considered the possibility that you are the one that doesn't get it? --Jim Broede
Boy, you are getting desperate now. Getting personal.
YOU sound like the one who is afraid of "Bonnie", otherwise, why would you strike out like that?
Too bad you have to monitor the responses. Hardly a level playing field. But, we should expect no more than this from you. As your friend likes to say, we need to lower our expectations.
I'm sure all this negativity is making your season bright. Numbers, numbers, numbers. Seems like you are the only one who cares, anyway.
The original poster had a very humble and reasonable request. You automatically attribute one minute complaint, which was actually a request for a cleaning solution, and turn it into questionable caregiving. The manly thing to do, would have been to either provide the name of a cleaning product, or leave it alone. You have absolutely no right to claim that that woman's Mother got anything less than the best of care. That could be a legal issue, you know, even if it isn't her real name. You may believe you were a wonderful caregiver, but you cannot care for fellow human beings, so why bother.
BTW,
You repeat yourself.
You repeat yourself.
he had the balls to post yours yet not enough balls to post my second post. how sad jb. I really only responded to your post to me on here.
Mr Broede,
I see you did not post my full post. LOL, I knew you had no balls. Instead, you have tried to attack me, personally.
Men like me Mr Broede, they like me a lot. I have some problems in my life- I work too hard and care too much- but men not liking me is not one of my problems. Even my ex husband has been trying for me to take him back for years- but I like myself too much to do that.
Feel free to attack me, you pathetic old codger. At least I can fight back, lay off the people who cannot.
I suggest you find yourself a life and then go out and live it. Leave the suffering caregivers alone.
To various folks called anonymous and Bonnie:
I'm just amazed over how these ladies keep coming back for more. They can't ignore me. They have to at least come and post and call me all sorts of names and hurl insults. I guess that gives them satisfaction. And I smile. And I continue to taunt them. I think mostly kindly. Anyway, they still keep coming back for more. This woman named Mama's Friend aka Bonnie. She vowed some time back to never come to my blog. To never read the blog. But here she is. Commenting. Hurling what she thinks are insults. Because she can't help herself. She can't stay away. She's addicted. She moreorless tells me she hates me. But deep down, I think I am getting her to think. To see her naked self. And she doesn't like what she sees. And that's why she detests me. I'm holding up a mirror, and I'm telling her to look into that mirror. And tell me what she sees. And it ain't good. Right there in technicolor. And I wonder, is that mean? I suppose it is. But sometimes, the truth is mean. In that it hurts. So very much. But in the long run, that's what brings about healing. Facing the truth. About one's self. Maybe Bonnie and some of the other ladies will do that some day. They know deep down that I'm right about them. Otherwise, they would ignore me. But they keep coming back. Because they know I speak the truth -- about them. And it hurts, oh so much. But hey, I gotta respect them. They are beginning to see the light. That's why they keep coming back here to read. That's a good sign, ladies. --Your friend, Jim Broede
"The woman who calls herself Bonnie" is me. You taunt people who do not use their real names- I do. I always have.
Also my real email address.
I had not entered your blog before yesterday. And I see you will not post my original post- I don't blame you. You don't want everyone to see you as you really are.
There is one character trait I despise in humans- people who have no compassion, and who take pleasure in inflicting pain on people who are down. You continue telling me, for example, that I can't get a man because you perceive that as my weak point. You are mistaken- that is not my weak point. If you knew my weak point, whatever it is, you would expose it- over and over and over and over again.
I detest that miserable character trait- the one of hurting others when they are down. I have seen you exhibit it over and over and over and over again. At first I felt sorry for you, now I only feel sorry for the people who do not have the strength to fight you back.
It has been a year since my mother died- and my life has gone on.I would like to suggest since it is almost a year since your wife died, you might want to find other avenues of entertainment, other than kicking people when they are hurting. As delightful as that might be, perhaps you could find a hungry person to eat in front of, or take away the coat of a homeless person, or find a liberal politician to support.
I do detest your willingness to hurt others. Attack me all you want- you have no power over me. Stop messing with people who are hurting.
By the way, I rarely go on the forums because I am looking forward,not back. But I am extremely proud that in some small measure I could help get you suspended for two weeks.
(Sigh of satisfaction)
i like my name said...
he had the balls to post yours yet not enough balls to post my second post. how sad jb. I really only responded to your post to me on here.
December 12, 2007 5:19 AM
I am still waiting to see my posting. I simply stated your words that you like this blog because you will NOT be sensored here. You can say as you please unlike the Az board. You know its wrong so you simply do it here.
I have been lurking on the Alz forum on and off for a couple of years now, and have only posted a couple of times. I find that reading the advice and support of the countless caregivers has helped me immensely in my journey as a secondary caregiver to my father. In those years, I have read all of your posts with a combination of fasination and sorrow. Facination that you appear to enjoy causing disharmony, and sorrow that you appear not to care about how your words are affecting the very people who are on the forum for support, answers, and a safe place to vent their frustrations with this horrible disease. Not only do you do that on the forum "within" guidelines, but you take those words to your own blog to ridicule and berate. I come to your blog (as I am sure the majority do) to try to understand what motivates this behavior. With a degree in psychology, it's my nature to be fascinated with dysfunction. But what I want you to know, as you seem to get such satisfaction with attention of any kind, is that my daughter, who is a graduate student in Psychology, is doing her dissertation on the psychology of internet trolls. When she told me that this would be her focus, I lead her to the ALZ assoc website, and to your blog. I can't tell you how happy she is with the information. Just wanted you to know that many of your "hits" have been from her fellow classmates and professors. I have no doubt that it will be very well written, and she will certainly quote her sources, as you are a major source in her work. I thank you for that, and she may be the only person who is truly sad that you were suspended, hopefully you will be even more active on your blog so that her source for study won't go away completely. Your "advice" has been inordinately helpful to her. I'll be glad to send a copy to you when it's completed.
Dear Anonymous:
I will be happy to assist your daughter and her fellow psych students in their study. I am available for interviews. And I will be happy to respond honestly to all of their questions. So that they will have keen insight into my mind. I think it would be rather difficult for them to grasp the full magnitude of how my mind works unless we have face to face interviews. They can get more readily to the truth then. They have the option to come and see me. Or quite possibly, I could travel and come to see them. That may be easier and cheaper because then it'd be only one person -- me -- having to foot the travel expenses. Which I am willing to do. If for no other reason than for sake of satisfying my innate curiosity. I'd also like to interview your daughter about her mother, and the possible psychological hang-ups she may have. Anyway, have your daughter and the students get in touch with me. I'll cooperate. Fully. --Jim Broede
Dear Mama's Friend aka Bonnie:
I have posted everything you have sent. Verbatim. Which means word for word. Maybe you forgot what you wrote, or thought you wrote more, and didn't. I don't want to alarm you, but that could be an early sign of Alzheimer's. --Jim Broede
Dear I still like my name:
For your information, I think that everything I post anywhere is right, and not wrong. That's why I post it. I would not knowingly post something that was wrong -- factually, morally or ethically. And I try to abide by the guidelines and rules established at each site. I abide by the Alzheimer's rules with rare exception when I'm on the Alzheimer's message boards and by my reasonable rules when I'm on my blog. I think that's the fair and decent thing to do. --Jim Broede
Attention anonymous posters!
Some of you anonymous posters here have suggested that because I acknowledge that some of my posts here would be inappropriate on the Alzheimer's message board, that automatically means they are inappropriate or harmful posts here. That's shoddy reasoning. It just happens that the Alzheimer's Association has more rigid, more conservative standards than I do here. Because the Alzheimer's online administrators want to steer clear of controversy. That doesn't mean my standards are bad standards. They're just different standards. I allow for rhubarbs. I think that's a good thing. Controversy isn't necessarily a bad thing. Actually, most of the anonymous comments posted in this blog would be deemed highly inappropriate for the Alzheimer's message boards. They would get you suspended or banned pronto. But I allow more leeway here. Many of you, as you well know, have already been suspended repeatedly by the Alzheimer's Association. Your posts have been far more inappropriate than mine. Yes, face it, you ladies are far more disparaging and mean-spirited than I ever dreamed to be. Compared to you ladies, I'm kind and considerate and open-minded and tolerant. I set a much higher personal ethical standard than most of you. It's time for you to face the truth, dear anonymous ladies. You're often the nasty ones. At times, you act very unlady-like. --Jim Broede
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