Sunday, March 29, 2009
I alienate.
I have theories about depression. And how I stay out of depression. I guess what I don't understand is how much I irritate people who are in depression. Or have been in depression. I guess that if I were a wise man, I'd pretty much leave this subject alone. Because maybe I don't have a clue. And when I delve into this subject with someone who has experienced depression, I do far more harm than good. I alienate. --Jim Broede
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I've been reading a book."The Denial of Death." By Ernest Becker. It won a Pulitzer Prize in 1974 for general nonfiction. And he makes an interesting analysis of depression. And romance, too. And just how we design our own realities. And how we drive ourselves into despair. Even into depression. When we really don't have to. As if we have choices. Between living and dying. I'm not inviting anyone to choose death. We all die. Sooner or later. Unfortunately, lots of people in depression choose death. Maybe when they don't have to. Maybe because living is more difficult for them than dying. Anyway, I am not an expert on depression. Others, especially those in depression, may very well understand it far better than I. I'm afraid of depression. I don't want to go into depression. I think I have figured out ways to stay out of depression. By creating a special kind of reality. A healthy kind, I think. I'm trying to see and understand depression from the point of view of the depressed. And I'm trying to get depressed people to see it from my perspective. I suspect we have a lot to learn from each other. --Jim
Jim---Tonight I came to an interesting conclusion. In spite of suffering from depression...I honestly do not have a clear understanding of it. My inability to understand it might be because (like dementia) there is no one-size-fits-all form of the condition...and in fact there probably are several different varieties of depression and within these...varying degrees of it.
In my case depression often manifests itself as inertia...a lack of desire and inability to accomplish anything. During the first couple of years of Charlie’s diagnosis I was able to jar my way out of depression by using anger (at outsiders) to break my inertia.
Now I’ve either got a different form of depression or have moved on into a new stage. I’ve concluded that getting angry is not worth the effort and have decided that ignoring irritating people and things is more to my liking. The problem is that ignoring things does not break my inertia.
Maybe I should borrow a page from your book and look at my inertia as a blessing . No matter how bad I feel things have become...My inertia will keep me from doing anything that cannot be undone.
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